By - An Anonymous Community Mentor
When I looked at her, I couldn't see a man; I saw a lost woman with a whisper of hair around her upper lip and chin. Her voice a little deeper than most women, but even after three or so years on 'T,' she was and is undeniably a woman. She spoke, socialized, and interacted in all the ways women do. She is kind, thoughtful, helpful, a problem solver, and a valuable member of our small community group. And yet, she is adamant that she is a 'boy'. And not just any boy, but a gay boy.
Having Melissa (who wanted everyone to call her Matt) was hard in the community group for bushwalking enthusiasts. Although to most, Melissa passes as a man now, yet to all she would openly talk about her trans journey, about the upcoming removal of her breasts and all the ways she expected that this painful and dangerous surgery would make her life 100% better.
I tried to inform her of the dangers that awaited her—dangers far worse than the bush treks we'd navigate together or the snakes that may strike at our heels. I tried to tell her of the pain of recovery, the weeks of physiotherapy that awaited her, the devastating scars that would pockmark her chest and leave a legacy of mutilation and numbness. Yet her reply was always the same, "It's the price I need to pay to finally be able to be my authentic self. My ongoing shoulder pain will finally feel better without the weight of my breasts."
As a breast cancer survivor, I know the pain that awaits her, the early onset menopause that will age her body and her bones, the death of her pelvic floor, the bone density loss that will occur, and the potential for rapid onset osteoporosis that will forever dog her future. And yet, my words of care and warning fall on deaf ears.
As much as I love having Melissa in the group, as wonderful as she is at pitching a tent or starting a fire, I see her as dangerous, very dangerous. Not because she is in any way a bad person, but because she is a threat to me, to my science and sociology background. If I put one step out of line, she may destroy the community group that I have started. She may out me on social media as a 'TERF' or a 'transphobe' and destroy all the hard work that I've put into creating this walking group.
Melissa is also a danger to the community members, and I'm not sure how to address my concerns. She is nice, and people will easily side with her and change their views about this dangerous ideology because of her charisma.
She also insists on using the male change rooms to change after our hikes and treks, which may seem normal, but my community group has underage members. In my role, it is not at all appropriate for a middle-aged woman to change in front of young boys. If I were these boys' mothers, I'd be really upset to know that my son was changing in front of a woman regardless of how she identifies. Yet, it also isn't appropriate for Melissa to change in the ladies' change rooms anymore, as she openly talks about 'her weird penis sock thingy' that she keeps down her pants, and everyone just accepts her as a man.
As a community leader, I am placed in a delicate situation that I hadn't considered five years ago when I began this group—how to protect my members.
Some of the strange and inappropriate comments made by Melissa:
"Going on 'T' has made me super horny."
"Now that I'm a boy, I should be able to walk around without my shirt on and show off my trans masc nubles pre top surgery."
"My parents finally have the 'son' that they have always wanted."
"I forgot to put my binder on; now everyone will see my dangly boobs while I bushwalk."
"If I was a superhero, I'd make sure I had the power to grow extra body parts, like my own set of balls."
So many innocent conversations are suddenly interrupted by Melissa as she interjects with out-of-the-blue comments about her journey growing a penis, etc.
I see in Melissa a very troubled individual. Melissa is the product of a movement that makes non-gender-conforming women believe that they must be someone they are not to be themselves. That their only road to self-actualization is abandonment of their physiology, denial of their biology, betrayal of their sex, and hatred of their name, history, past, and story. True happiness is found not under a surgeon's knife but through loving oneself in the healthy body that we have all been born in.
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